The Threat of Thanksgiving...
As the year draws nearer to a close, so comes the double-edged sword of the holidays. Why a double-edged sword? For those of us who struggle with ED & BD, the joy of the holidays can quickly be overshadowed by the dread of the endless amounts of food that we will inevitably encounter....and eat, and eat, and eat. If you are anything like me, regardless of your ED (anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating, over-eating, BDD, etc.), the thoughts are intoxicating and overwhelming. My excitement in getting to spend time with my family and give thanks for all that I am truly blessed with...well, it starts to turn to anxiety. The anxiety grows greater as "T-Day" approaches, and once again, the darkness starts taking control of my mind. Even as I sit here, literally typing these words, adrenaline is rushing through my veins, my heart is racing and I am feeling breathtakingly anxious. Deep breath...
I have felt the onset of this anxiety coming for a while and, now that Thanksgiving is tomorrow, it's here and it doesn't want to leave. This blog, more than most of my blogs, is a true stream of consciousness...so please forgive me because I am just typing what is on my heart and my mind at this exact moment. My thoughts might be scattered and a bit broken, but I promise that I will bring it full-circle in the end...somehow.
I know that I cannot be alone in having these feelings, and I also know that I cannot allow this to overtake me (anymore than it already has). Good grief. Im trying my best to come at this from a different perspective. If I could get outside of myself and look at "me" right now, with my sweaty palms and racing heart, I would pick "me" up, shaking my head in disappointment and say, "What the hell are you doing? You are missing the whole point of Thanksgiving."
That's exactly what I am doing. Missing the point. I blog a lot about the darkness and how it so easily gets a hold of my mind, and this is another time when I have allowed it to happen. I have basically given power to this darkness inside of my mind and told it that it is more important than anything else in my life. It is more important than enjoying every minute with my family, it is more important than playing with my niece and nephew, it is more important than the laughs I share with Bobby, It is more important than the memories that we will make, it is more important than giving thanks for the life that God has blessed me with, it is more important than...EVERYTHING. I can't allow this to happen. Life is too precious and too short to miss out on such an important part of my life.
When I get in this dark head space, I am getting in the habit of playing the "What if..." game in my head. Believe it or not, it can be quite helpful and humbling at the same time. For instance, I just posed myself a difficult question. "What if, God forbid, I died before tomorrow?" No Thanksgiving, no memories, no family. Nothing, just gone. Sadly, the last thoughts in my head today are obsessing on what foods I will and won't eat tomorrow and how my pants will fit (or not fit) come Monday morning. The thought makes me so sad on what I would miss out on...my life. Again, I can't allow this to happen. I have to make a conscious effort to be present...today, tomorrow and everyday. I can't allow the darkness to win. I know that there will always be darkness, but the light in my life is TOO important and TOO precious to let be overcome by it today.
The joy that I will receive in being present for God, myself and my family is my light. When the darkness creeps back in tomorrow, I vow to remember what my light is and what I could potentially miss out on. My life, my light.
The world is not going to end because I ate a piece of pie.
