A rough couple of weeks...
It has been a long and difficult few weeks (months), but it is ending really well. It has truly been a roller coaster from day to day and...did I mention I HATE roller coasters? Without going into my complete medical history, the nutshell of the last few months is that I have had to change some of my medications that impact my endocrine system. If you know anything about your endocrine system, it deals with your hormones, and hormones control your mood, mental stability, ability to reason, weight fluctuations, energy levels...you name it. When you are on hormone replacement, any slight tweak or variation in your medication can send you off the deep end, physically and emotionally. Well, welcome to my life for the last few months. As you can probably imagine, weight gain + mental instability + inability to reason properly + increased appetite + lack of energy + decreased desire to do anything but binge eat and cry = a really unhappy Michael for way too long. All of this has made my ability to cope with and work through my BD issues nearly impossible. Well, not nearly impossible, but impossible. Everything is a trigger these days, worse than normal. Especially my clothes and how they fit. My dichotomy is this... I want to be lean and fit so my clothes fit a certain way (especially how my pants fit because my focus is always my stomach, love handles, etc.), but I also want to be muscular so that my clothes will be very fitted (I like the arms of my shirts to be fitted so show a muscular shape, my butt to fill out a pair of pants well, etc.). So I want to be thin....but muscular. I am striving for the impossible, which I know, but it doesn't stop my from trying. I know what reality is but I can't seem to flip the switch in my head to actually believe it for myself.
So that brings you up to speed on the last few months. Fast forward to today and I am about 5 weeks into 1 new medication and 1 week into the 2nd medication. It is like night and day. I know that I am not 100% but I feel as close to being myself as I have in months and months. I am finally feeling connected to my life again. I am able to see through the mental and emotional fog that I have been living in and realize just how good my life is. Did all of my issues go away, no. Uhm...NO. I am sitting here typing this feeling like I bought clothes out of the boys department because they are so tight. Tight in the bad way. The positive is that my mind is clear enough to not fall into a spiraling depression over it today. I am choosing to channel my energy into something positive and blog about it. It is cathartic in a lot of way. This is my safe place where I know that I will not be judged for being completely honest about how I am feeling. So I hope that when you read this, you feel that this is a safe place for you and that we are here to listen and to be a shoulder to cry on, without judgement or shame, Just love and understanding.
